Bathroom Review Scale, Explained


5 Toilets: So nice, you probably frequent this place just so you can use their facilities. Amenities galore, usually including an attendant. People who don’t even like using a public restroom talk about this bathroom.

4.5 Toilets: The attendant might be missing as well as the warm-water, butt-drying bidet, but aside from that, everything else is just right. Toilet paper too thick to be used for tracing paper and/or sandpaper. Very pleasant atmosphere, but not quite exciting enough to write home to mom about.

4 Toilets: Usually the best any facility can get without special amenities. Toilet paper may or may not be terrible, though not enough to detract from the score, especially when combined with unusual or highly desired additions for the location.

3.5 Toilets: Better than average restroom, clean throughout and uniform in appearance. Toilet paper usually acceptable, though sandpaper/tracing paper quality tissue starts to appear in this rating bracket. Maybe has an amenity or two, but unlikely to be of extraordinary quality.

3 Toilets: Average, run-of-the-mill bathroom. Usually nothing at all out of the ordinary. Aesthetically neutral in nature, all structures match. Graffiti may be present, though not always present. Mostly clean, though the odor of strong cleaning chemicals may linger, especially if the restroom has been cleaned recently.

2.5 Toilets: Issues start to arise at this rating, usually superficial or cosmetic in nature, such as heavy graffitti that may or may not show signs of being cleaned off or removed by other means. Paint and structures may or may not match through facility, indicating either recent repair or other explanation. Faucets, toilets or other amenities may be out of order. Cleanliness starts to become suspect at this level.

2 Toilets: Restrooms with this rating are usually found in high-traffic areas but, for one reason or another, are neglected in one or more areas. Graffiti and other undesirable elements are present, with little or no sign that they are being addressed by the staff or residents. Not a place to linger or become a frequent visitor.

1.5 Toilets: When public urination is not an option due to various reasons (in many states, it is seen as a sexual offence, complete with mandatory registration). Facilities in these bathrooms may work, though acceptable functionality is not guaranteed. Get in, do your business and get out.

1 Toilet: When the need to pee outweighs the need for comfort, a 1 Toilet rating bathroom is what you need. Nothing, not lack of working facilities (could just be a hole in the ground), horrific stench, infestations of biblical proportions, leering eyes in the corner, nothing will stop you from obtaining relief. Besides, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Half a Toilet: Would you rather your mum didn’t see you in various states of undress? The thought of confinement and all of the joys of incarceration an issue you’d rather avoid? Are all of the nearby bushes either too small or of varieties that would cause your skin to fall off? If the answer to most or all of these questions is yes, a room that rates half a toilet is right for you. Dilly dallying is highly discouraged, as is looking in what appears to be the toilet, or anywhere for that matter, as the ceiling is likely inhabited with nightmare inducing creatures, all of whom have more than two legs. Breathing isn’t recommended either, as the odors are usually strong enough to be discernable from outside of this chamber of El Excremento, who is not too keen on visitors. Get in, pee and get out. Your safety depends on your speed.

  DO NOT ENTER ZERO TOILET RATED BATHROOMS

Seriously, just don’t. Usually this is due to the facility being closed for maintenance. However, there are spaces that are so foul, few speak of their existence and never in polite company. You have been warned.